FROM THE COUCH RETURNS
Mike Leitao ~ 10/28/2025
They say good things come to those who wait. That is simply a bullshit statement that holds no real merit in the real world, but in the world of Riot Club it means FROM THE COUCH VOLUME 2. Yes, we are almost halfway through the NFL season and From The Couch has been missing. I know that has made the NFL viewing experience absolutely miserable and ruined the game more than Goodell has. But here I am, back to bringing joy to the NFL and the sporting world in general. Normally I’d throw in a pun about some stupid shit around whatever number episode this is but it’s the first episode of the new season and I’m rusty so I’m just gonna say fuck that and move on to the real reason everyone is here, to hear takes you would expect from your drunk uncle who could’ve went pro if it wasn’t for his bad knees and back.
Vikings vs Chargers:
We start off hot with a match up between the dude banging Madison Beer and the dude who’s offensive line is so bad he’s getting banged by his opponents. As a Jefferson fantasy owner and a Wentz fan it hurts to watch this man out here trying his hardest and getting absolutely destroyed every play. Fuck the Vikings, go back to your Michigan Merchant QB who you drafted and then decided to stay with over the revolutionary Sam Darnold. Your franchise deserves all the pain and suffering that is to come.
Dolphins vs Falcons:
FINS UP BABY THE ROAD TO THE PLAYOFFS STARTS NOW. Letting Tua drop 4 TDs on your head is pretty embarrassing, but the Falcons haven’t had a good defense literally ever so it shouldn’t be shocking. Would’ve assumed missing your QB and star WR you would’ve leaned on your star RB to get the offense going, but obviously that doesn’t make sense when you have the greatest tight end of all time, Kyle Pitts, on your team. Clearly it worked out well for the Falcons.
Bears vs Ravens:
We got the gay QB versus the “pro bowl” QB, arguably one of the biggest QB matchups of all time. This was the type of game that unless you were a fan of these teams, you weren’t watching this shit. No one cares about the Bears, they used to be fun to make fun of but now it’s overdone. And the Ravens have been so ass this year that watching them without Lamar feels like the type of shit equivalent to dudes who like to be whipped. That’s it, I got nothing else, this game was certainly a game that happened.
Bills vs Panthers:
Everyone left this game talking about the career game from James Cook, and for good reason. He was incredible racking up over 200 yards rushing while the Bills just beat the shit out of the Panthers all game. That would be the only thing of relevance it would seem, but we need to talk about bum ass Josh Allen. Not because he’s overrated or anything like that, but bro stole two additional rushing TDs this game. We could’ve had an electric 4 TD game from Cook but Allen just had to get his touches in and ruined it for everyone else. Yeah when you get to the point of complaining about Josh Allen rushing TDs, that tells you all you need to know about the interest in this game.
Jets vs Bengals:
It’s no secret, the Jets can’t win all season long. They are an embarrassment to the league and the laughingstock of the sports world. Then here comes Riot Club, bringing back From The Couch and all the sudden they win an absolute banger of a game. I take all the credit and as they continue to go on a winning streak starting now I will continue taking all the credit. Also the Bengals defense is bad. Like really really bad. That’s all.
49ers vs Texans:
Wow, an injured 49ers team versus a boring Texans team. What an exciting game that sounds like. Just kidding, I didn’t watch this shit and have no interest in pretending like I did. Next.
Browns vs Patriots:
To my glorious king, Drake “Better Than Herbert” Maye; you are my sunshine in the cloudiest of days, my rain in the longest of droughts, my oasis in the driest of deserts, my lifeboat in the scariest of storms. You continue to prove to the world that you are the future goat, but unlike others who all have pussy qualities that make us hate them, you will continue to simply be a chill dude that we all lowkey like for some reason. I will continue to support you, as you are my future goat.
Giants vs Eagles:
Three real notes from this game: 1) Fuck Barkley for finally having a great game when I have to play him in fantasy, I hate you. 2) I love the tush push and will die on the hill that Philly simply found a cheat code play and they should continue to abuse the shit out of it since at the end of the day the goal of this sport is to win and that play helps them win, anyone who has a different opinion is wrong and stupid. 3) RIP to the CTE man himself, I pray they let you keep banging your head into the wall while rehabbing your ankle.
Buccaneers vs Saints:
These games used to be fun because for some unknown reason Evans and Lattimore would try to kill each other every game. Now Lattimore isn’t a Saint and Evans is injured plus the Saints are really bad and the Buccaneers are really good. That made for a not interesting game and thus nothing to talk about, so I’ll just remind everyone of that one time Winston was poking Lattimore in the ear and then Evans decided to just bulldoze Lattimore for some reason? Good times.
Cowboys vs Broncos:
Similar to the Bengals, the Cowboys defense is so ass it’s funny. The difference is that the offense is at least really good too so the games are fun. Also Bo Nix vs Drake Maye will be a better QB battle than Manning vs Brady and that is simply a fact, not an opinion.
Titans vs Colts:
I’m just gonna use this as an opportunity to give Daniel Jones a shoutout. I don’t know what they’re feeding bro in Indy but they got this guy playing like a 6th overall pick should be. If the Colts can make Daniel Jones elite but can’t get Anthony Richardson to be anything, I don’t know if that means they develop QBs incredibly or poorly, or maybe it’s a race thing. The only way to find out is to see if they can turn Sanders into a real QB or not, since we sure as shit know the Browns ain’t gonna do it.
Packers vs Steelers:
Man those Steelers uniforms were bad. Like really bad. Like so bad I turned the game off, so I don’t really know what happened. It also took me a full quarter to remember that Rodgers was on the Packers which really helped me realize why this game was a Sunday Night Football game. Anyways, the Steelers will finish the season 9-8 again, I would bet everything I own on it.
Commanders vs Chiefs:
Didn’t watch, don’t care about the Chiefs at this point and the Commanders are boring and injured. The final score tells the story.
